Father’s Day is upon us again. I know you’re both under 5 and won’t be able to read this, but I want you to know that while I truly love the handmade cards with ‘Daddy’ spelled backwards, there will come a day when you might want to think about getting me a real present.
Don’t get me wrong – I feel humbled and honored when you award me the title of World’s Greatest Dad. And I look forward to drinking my Father’s Day coffee-in-bed from the trophy. But just in case you were wondering what else Daddy might like this year, I’ve put together this helpful list.
Cool Tool – The Garrett Ace-150 Metal Detector
Every year around my birthday or Christmas, your mother says, ‘So what would you like this year?’ and every year I say the same thing: ‘metal detector!’ She rolls her eyes in that way that says, ‘Yeah, right! Could you imagine something so ridiculous?’
Well, let me make this plain: YES! I CAN IMAGINE IT! Please convince Mommy that a metal detector won’t make me a bigger geek; on the contrary, it will give me the magical ability to pull gold bars from the very ground!
Dust Off the Controller – The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
I used to be a bit of a gamer. Maybe not as hardcore as the next guy, but I finished Metal Gear Solid and a couple of the Call of Duty’s. Then you little people came along and it was nothing but Peek-a-Boo, I Spy and Guess Where I’ve Poo’d.
But like manna from heaven, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim promises ‘a paradise of escapism’. Don’t you think maybe it’s time you let Daddy get back to the business of saving the world?
I Don’t Want To Be Rude, Boy – But I Want To Be A Rude Boy
When I was just a lad myself, I would buy Grandpa a sweater every year for Father’s Day. Now, you know that I’m a man who can respect tradition. And there’s nothing more traditional to your old man than a v-neck knit sweater from Fred Perry. (See Terry Hall pic left.)
So if you’re in the Menswear section with Mommy and she holds up a Cliff Huxstable-esque striped number for your approval, offer a thumbs-down and point her in the direction of 6PM.com, where Fred Perry sweaters are currently up to 65% off.
So kids, this Father’s Day, please tell your mother I’m serious about the metal detector. Of course, if this isn’t the year, I’ll understand. And I can wait until you’re off to Swiss boarding school before I pick up the video games again. The truth is that all I really want is a couple of dozy hours in the hammock and one of your handmade cards. I mean it when I say I’ll keep them forever.